1. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS HAVING BEEN HURT TOO MUCH TO EVEN WANT TO GIVE A RELATIONSHIP ONE MORE CHANCE?

For twenty years, I tried to get my husband to give to me and the relationship, with no success. He is one of those people who just shuts you out if he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, and he refused to even discuss my needs for love, communication or affection. I fought my urge to leave him in order to keep our family together, and stayed, living a lonely, miserable existence. Finally, I’ve gotten up the courage to go, and all of a sudden, he’s woken up, and is acting like a new person. He’s started therapy; he writes me love notes; he holds my hands and cries, begging me to give me another chance. He’s doing everything I ever wanted, but my heart is closed, and I feel nothing. Can a person be hurt so much that you just don’t want to try one more time?

What you’re describing is one of the saddest patterns I hear about in relationships: the partner whose love has died from years of neglect, only to discover when she decides to leave that her husband finally gets everything she’s been trying to tell him for years....and it’s too late. I do believe that there is a point of “no return” in some relationships, when you’ve experienced so much hurt, disappointment, and rejection that you can no longer feel anything for your partner.

It takes years to get to this point--years of repressing your feelings, years of ignoring your needs, years of telling yourself you’ll try just one more time to make it work. Finally, your heart closes to your mate for good. Like a bank account that has experienced only withdrawals and no deposits, you are left with a zero balance. So when he finally shows up and asks for what you have, you truly have nothing to give.

You know this in your heart, but like most women, it goes against your nature to say “No” to a man when he asks for your love, patience and commitment, and so you’re feeling guilty rejecting him, aren’t you? Well, don’t. He rejected you for many, many years. This is his karma, the result of his attitude and actions towards you and the marriage. Over and over again, he chose not to heed your warnings, not to answer your pleas, not to reach back when you reached out in need. Now, it’s your turn to choose, and you are making the right choice in leaving.

Go forward in your life, knowing that you did the best you could, knowing that you waited until you couldn’t wait anymore, and knowing that loving yourself enough to finally leave is an important spiritual victory.

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2. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A RELATIONSHIP JUST ISN'T GOING TO WORK, AND IT'S TIME TO LEAVE?

One of the most painful things in life is admitting to yourself that the relationship you're in isn't working, and that it's time to leave. You wish you could go to sleep , wake up the next morning and have everything be different, but you can't. You wish your partner would magically become the person you want him to be, but he won't. You know you've put off making the decision long enough, and that it's time to say good-bye.

I believe that you should do everything in your power to salvage a troubled relationship. That includes using all possible sources of outside help including professional counseling, seminars, books, support groups, recovery programs, etc. However, you may reach a point at which you feel you cannot or do not want to continue with your partner, and at that point, you need to make the decision to stay or go. 

It's time to end your relationship when: The hardest part about reaching the Divided Path is that your love for your partner may not have changed, and that makes it even more difficult to say good-bye. I know, because I've arrived at the Divided Path several times in my life. All I can say to reassure you is that each time, my new path brought me greater happiness, wisdom and love than I had ever known before.  Your partner refuses to work on your relationship. This is perhaps the saddest reason of all you may have to end a partnership, and the biggest waste. If your partner refuses to face or discuss your problems, and will not agree to any outside help in solving your conflicts, he has broken his commitment to your relationship as much as if he had an affair. He may be scared; he may have had an abusive childhood; he may have a wonderful , loving heart somewhere inside of him. The fact remains that, unless he is willing to be an active participant in your partnership, there is no partnership, and you must leave. 

If you are presently struggling with making the painful decision of whether to stay or leave, I hope this helps you to feel more certain about your choice, and gives you confidence that , although it's not easy, you're doing the right thing.

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3. HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?

I've known for a while that I need to break up with my girlfriend, but I keep putting it off for one reason--I feel so guilty about hurting her. She wants to stay in the relationship, and will be devastated when I leave. How can I break up with her so that I don't cause her emotional pain?

YOU CAN’T. It’s that simple. That’s like asking “how can I go swimming without getting wet?’, or “how can I chop this onion without breaking the skin?” You can’t. And if you’re planning to wait until you feel you aren’t going to hurt your girlfriend, you might as well marry her now, because that day will never come. When you tell her you are leaving, it will hurt her. When you walk out the door, it will hurt her. But remember this: it will hurt her much more if you lead her on for another month, another year, or commit to her out of guilt, only to finally confess at some point, that “I always knew I should have broken up with you.” It will hurt her much more to stay in a relationship with a man who isn’t fully emotionally present, a man who can’t give her the complete commitment she deserves. 

Let me say something that may shock you--you’re not staying to avoid hurting her. You’re staying to avoid feeling bad about yourself. You can’t stand the idea of being the “bad guy”, the “heart-breaker”; you can’t tolerate the thought of living with guilt. And so even though it appears that you are protecting her from pain, you are really protecting yourself. 

Whenever I hear this kind of story, I know I am speaking to a bona fide rescuer, whose identity and self-esteem are tied in with making sure you are never the cause of pain to someone you love. You see, it is your girlfriend’s pain that both attracted you, and now, is trapping you. In the beginning, you were captivated by it, hoping that you would be able to heal her hurt and “save” her, thus proving to yourself that you are good enough. Now that you realize you cannot love her as she should be loved, it is again her pain that is torturing you by triggering your own pain (which has always been the real issue), for you cannot leave without feeling you are a failure.

Release your girlfriend now. Release her so she can find a man who will truly love and accept her as she is. Don’t wait another day. And then turn towards yourself, and search deep in your own heart for that wounded little boy that couldn’t make Mommy happy, or couldn’t save Daddy from despair, and do what you’ve been needing to do all along--rescue him..

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4. HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER BACK?

My girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago because she said she wanted to date other people and needed some space. I still love her very much. How can I get her back?

You can’t. Your former girlfriend obviously doesn’t want to be with you right now. She’s not interested. She’s made that very clear. So as much as it hurts, and I know it does, you have to let go. You say you love her very much. Fine--then support her quest for happiness, even though it doesn’t involve you, and honor her wishes to not be with you. As difficult as this sounds, what are your true alternatives? There are none.

Let’s talk about you for a moment. . You’re in love with someone who has rejected you, and are having a hard time getting over her. It’s no accident that you’re in this situation, and I’ll bet it isn’t the first time you’ve loved someone more than she has loved you. Please use this time alone to do some serious emotional work on yourself. You’re acting out a painful pattern, and even though you believe your troubles would be over if only your girlfriend would come back, that’s not the answer. You need to heal that insecure little boy inside you that doesn’t believe he’s lovable, and thinks he has to work really hard to get someone to care about him. Don’t make your goal getting her back--make it getting yourself back.

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5. SHOULD YOU STAY IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN?

I married my wife because she got pregnant with our first child after we'd been dating for two months, and I felt it was the right thing to do. Since then, we've had two more children, and live a good life, but the truth is, I've never loved her. For eight years, I've been sacrificing my happiness for one reason--my kids. I would never do anything to hurt them, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Should I stay married for the sake of my children, even though I'm miserable?

The most painful and difficult issue to consider when thinking of ending a marriage is always the children. No parent wants to be a source of unhappiness to their children, whom they love more than life itself, and therefore the guilt that accompanies discussions about breaking up can be devastating. The answer I’m going to give you to your question is based on almost two decades of my experience working with tens of thousands of people, and although some professionals or clergy may disagree, it’s an answer I feel very strongly about. Never stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your children. Your personal unhappiness will have a much more damaging effect on your children than your divorce ever could.

Children want to see their parents happy. They feel responsible for making their parents happy, and believe me, they know when you aren’t, no matter how good you think you are at hiding the truth from them. If you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children, I believe you will be causing them more emotional harm than if you divorced. They will feel responsible for your sacrifice, and this puts tremendous pressure on a child. “I stayed for your sake” is no favor.

I have worked with thousands of grown-up “children” in my seminars and found the following to be true: The children whose parents divorced and found love and happiness, either alone or with new partners, grow up feeling good about themselves and their parents. They have a healthy attitude towards love and relationships because they had positive role models for loving themselves and making love work.

In contrast, some of the most unhappy people I have worked with are grown-ups whose parents stayed together in passionless, dead relationships, colored with suppressed anger and resentment. These men and women develop a mistrust of love and relationships, as well as an inability to express love or feel worthy of receiving it--all because they had negative role models for making love work. The bottom line is: IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE YOU BEING WELL LOVED, THEY WILL FEEL LOVABLE AND HOPEFUL ABOUT HAVING A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP. IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE YOU BEING UNLOVED, THEY WILL FEEL UNLOVABLE AND PESSIMISTIC ABOUT HAVING A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP.

My own parents stayed together for many years “for the sake of the children” before finally divorcing when I was eleven. In my emotional healing work, I have discovered something that recent research also concludes: the most pain was not from the actual divorce or the years that followed, but from the eleven years prior to that when I lived with two unhappy people. I felt responsible for not being able to make them happy, and unconsciously formed a belief that love= pain, fear, and unfulfilled longing. The emotional scars from their marriage took me many, many years to heal, and it was only after several of my own failed relationships and intensive emotional work that I was able to find and maintain a healthy, loving relationship with a man.

I have never met a grown-up child whose parents stayed unhappily together who felt the following sentiment: “Mom and Dad, I want you to know that even though you have been in a passionless, miserable relationship for forty years that has left you emotionally numb and drained, I really appreciate your sacrifice. I’m glad I can say ‘my parents are still married’, and don’t really care if you’re happy or not, as long as I have my fantasy that your marriage worked.” On the contrary, when I ask my audiences how many of them, now that they are adults, wish their parents had gotten divorced, over half of the people raise their hands!! Of course, if you ask your young children how they would feel if Mommy and Daddy split up, they will tell you to stay together. It won’t be until they have their own relationships as adults that they will look upon yours with new eyes, suddenly realize how unhappy you truly were, and feel grief for all you gave up.

Your job as a parent is to know what’s best for your child, whether or not your child agrees with your decision. When your little girl asks if she can eat ice cream for dinner, and you respond “No!”, she may cry and claim that you are mean. Because you know that ice cream doesn’t comprise a healthy meal, you are able to stick to your decision in spite of her tears. In your heart, you know you are making this decision for her own good

This is the same attitude you must have when deciding the future of your relationship. Yes, your children will cry when you tell them you are getting divorced, just as I did when my parents told me. But as they grow older, and learn to see you as people, and not just parents, they will develop compassion for your situation and understanding about your decision. They will realize that you were not just doing it for your own good, but for theirs as well.

You owe it to your children to work very hard on your marriage, and do everything you can to make it work. But if you come to the point where you realize that the marriage cannot work, then you owe it to your children to separate from your partner , and free yourself to find the love you deserve, and the relationship they can one day look up to.

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6. HOW CAN I LEARN TO TRUST LOVE AGAIN?

I'm recovering from a very dysfunctional relationship in which my husband lied, cheated, and used me for my money. I knew inside that he wasn’t good for me from the beginning, but it took me eight years to get up the courage to leave. My life is finally back in order, but I'm scared to death to start dating, let alone fall in love. How can I learn to trust love and men again after what happened?

It’s not men whom you need to learn to trust again--it’s yourself. You’re the one who chose him; you’re the one who allowed him to mistreat you, and looked the other way; you’re the one who didn’t stand up for yourself; you’re the one who didn’t listen to that little voice, that little girl inside of you who was screaming ‘Don’t let him do this to us! He’s hurting us! Make him go away!’ And so that’s why the person who you need to heal with is you.

Each time you give your power away to a man by allowing him to treat you disrespectfully or unlovingly, you lose respect and love for yourself. This is what’s happened to you--you’ were in a negative self-esteem cycle. You allowed your husband to get way with mistreating you, you didn’t stick up for yourself, and this resulted in your feeling upset, depressed and bad about yourself. When you felt bad about yourself, your self-confidence decreased. And when your self-confidence was low, the next time he mistreated you, you had even less courage to stand up for yourself, and the cycle repeated itself over and over. 

Do you see my point? Love didn’t hurt you--you hurt you by mistaking the dysfunctional relationship you had for love. I know that you think of yourself as a victim, but I have a saying: “It takes two people to create an accident--one to drive the truck and the other to lie down in the road and say ’it’s OK to run me over.” You gave your power away to this man. It’s time to take it back. You’ve already taken the first step--leaving--, and the second step is acknowledging that you gave him the power to hurt you. 

See the CAPATABILITY section to learn more about why you chose this kind of partner, and how you can learn from your mistakes by making a Relationship Mistake List. and Relationship Rule Book. The more conscious you become of all the unhealthy mini-decisions you made during your marriage, the more you will realize that the painful events didn’t just happen to you, and are therefore preventable.., but only if you commit yourself to paying attention and taking charge of your love life!

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7.HOW SOON AFTER GETTING DIVORCED SHOULD SOMEONE START DATING AGAIN? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP?

It all depends on circumstances surrounding your divorce. The more wounded, angry or victimized you feel about your break up, the longer you need to wait before even thinking of getting involved again. If your relationship ended very badly or suddenly, you will need more time than if the break up was mutual and long overdue. If you have children, you will probably need more time to stabilize the family than if you and your mate didn’t have kids. If there was infidelity, you will definitely need a longer healing period than if the marriage ended amicably. Understanding the four stages of recovery mentioned earlier in this section will also help you identify where you are in your post-relationship process, and therefore, when you’re ready to get involved again.

A few important cautions: Don’t jump into a new relationship just to fill up the emptiness and avoid facing your pain. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your former partner was the problem, and now that you’re done with him or her, all you need to do is find someone else. (Remember--you chose that person...Find out why before you choose someone else. And after reading through these advice sections, I’m sure you know that I am going to tell you that you need to do some deep emotional work on both understanding and healing your past, as well as getting clear on how to avoid making mistakes in the future. 

Now, it’s possible that in spite of everything I’ve said, the Universe will suddenly deliver a wonderful new partner into your life very soon after your break up, and in the midst of your healing process. Please--if you find yourself falling in love with a wonderful person who is committed to his growth and supportive of yours, who acknowledges your need to heal, and who is everything you’ve ever wanted, don’t say “Could you come back in about nine months?” Grab on to him, and thank God for bringing you someone to keep you company during your recovery, and even aid you in the process. Love is a gift and has it’s own sense of cosmic timing that is often unfathomable. 

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8. HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKE TO RECOVER FROM A BREAKUP?

My boyfriend and I were together for six years, and recently ended our relationship. Although I feel it was for the best, I still miss him terribly, and can't seem to stop crying. Does this mean I made a mistake? It's been almost five weeks. How long will it take me to get over him?

Anyone who’s ever ended a relationship with someone they loved, and perhaps still love very much, can certainly relate to how you are feeling. One of the most difficult parts of breaking up is getting through that first layer of sadness and loss without doubting your decision. Don’t misinterpret the pain you’re feeling as a sign that you did something wrong when you ended your relationship. It’s a natural part of the healing process.

I’ve found that breaking up involves four inevitable stages of recovery. These stages take approximately one to two years to complete, although, of course, the length of time will be less if you were in a brief relationship. In your case, you spent six years with your boyfriend, so you will probably a while to completely heal. Here’s a brief description of these four stages:

Stage One: The Tearing Apart
Duration: Two weeks to Two Months

When you love another person, you merge your hopes, your dreams, your energies, and your heart with that person’s. When you end the relationship, you go through a process I call the Tearing Apart, because that is how it feels, doesn’t it...like a part of you is being torn away. Even if you want that familiar person out of your life, you will still experience this phase, and the longer you have been together, the longer the Tearing Apart will last.

In this phase you may cry a lot, feel lost, hopeless or alone, lose your appetite and even feel a constant pain or ache in your heart. You might notice that you are swamped with painful memories, and find it difficult to get through each day. During the Tearing Apart, it’s natural to worry that you’ll never be happy again, to feel sorry for yourself, and of course, be tempted to return to your partner. 

The Tearing Apart is the hardest part of breaking up. It feels like it will never end--but it will. You can speed up the process by doing the following:

1. Let yourself cry and mourn as much as possible. The more you try to hold it in, the longer it will last.

2. Keep busy and spend time with friends and family. Schedule yourself in advance so you don’t find yourself sitting home alone and feeling miserable. Don’t forget, however, to also spend quiet time doing some emotional work so you don’t carry the same love habits into the next relationship.

3. Take good care of your body. The better you feel physically, the more psychologically stable you will be. That means avoid the temptation to numb yourself with drugs, alcohol and heavy doses of sugar. They will only add to your sensitivity and depression.

4. Avoid seeing or talking with your former partner. No matter how tempted you are to call or see your ex when you’re feeling lonely, don’t do it! The more you stay connected, the longer this stage of your recovery will take.


Stage Two: The Adjustment
Duration: Two to Six Months

You know you’ve entered Stage Two when you actually start feeling good for a few days at a time! The most intense pain of the Tearing Apart is over. Now it is time to adjust to your new life without your partner. You begin to re-form your personality and identity as a single person, start bonding with other people, get your life back in order and look ahead to the future.

During The Adjustment, you will be able to talk or think about your partner without feeling you will fall apart or become angry. You no longer feel like a victim, and you will cry or feel sad less frequently--maybe once or twice a week instead of every day! You will start having fun again, and even begin noticing attractive people you’d like to meet. You’ll also have a much clearer perspective on what went wrong in the relationship, which will give you a sense of hope about the future.

Stage Three : Healing
Duration: Six Months to One Year

Stage Three sees your life becoming normal again. You no longer feel as if you are in transition. You may be involved in a new relationship, or interested in beginning one. You will have much of your business with your former partner settled, or on the way to being settled in the case of divorce. You’re healing the wounds and becoming whole again. You have survived!

In this stage, you can talk with and about your former partner without getting upset, and even feel positive about the rightness of what has happened. You feel and look better than you have in a while, and have a sense of enthusiasm about your future. Your sadness or nostalgia for your ex lover may surface once every week or so, but passes quickly. 

Stage Four: Recovery
Duration: One to Two Years

Stage Four is a transitional stage in which you clear out any remaining pain from the relationship you’ve ended, and firmly establish yourself in your new life. You no longer think of yourself as having just ended a relationship. By now, you have a new social structure around you--new friends, new love interests, new directions. 

In this stage, you have hopefully adopted new habits and ways of behaving as a result of the mistakes you made in the previous relationship, and are ready to love and be loved again. People no longer ask you how you’re doing in sympathetic voices! Your new life has begun. Enjoy it!

You can take one year of five years to go through these four stages. It all depends on how willing you are to let go of the past, work through all your feelings for the purpose of healing them , and receive the lessons from your experience. Take one day at a time, and before you know it, you will be loved again.