1. IS THERE A WAY TO DETECT SYMPTOMS OF TROUBLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SO YOU CAN SOLVE THE PROBLEMS BEFORE THEY GET TOO SERIOUS?
I’m married for the second time, and I find myself worrying that, one day, the relationship will explode in my face. I know this fear comes from the way my first marriage ended. I thought everything was fine, until my husband came to me, told me he was very unhappy and that he was leaving. I fell apart, because I had no idea we had problems. I don’t want this to happen again, and even though I hate confrontation, I don’t want to live in a dream world this time. Is there some way to tell if problems exist before they ruin the relationship?
You’re right--relationships don’t just fall apart overnight. There are warning signs to look for that the relationship is in trouble, and the sooner you spot these, the better your chances for resolving the problems and making the marriage even stronger. One easy way to spot danger is called "The Four R’s."
The four R’s are the four stages of the deterioration of intimacy, four increasing stages of tension that build up between you and your partner. The four R’s are four words that begin with the letter R: Resistance, Resentment, Rejection and Repression. Let’s go through each one and, if you’re in a relationship right now that has some problems, you can follow along and see what stage you’re in. Or you can think about your past relationship that you’re no longer in and see how it went right through those 4 R’s.
The first "R" is Resistance. It is the first stage of tension building up. And it’s natural for this stage to come and go in an intimate relationship from time to time. Resistance’s are those little things that bother you about somebody, those little annoyances. He leaves the towels on the floor, she talks on the phone too much. Yesterday he said something to hurt your feelings. These aren’t life-shattering issues, but the problem lies in the way most of us handle little resistances: we ignore them and pretend nothing is wrong. You tell yourself things like, "Don’t get so upset over nothing", or, "You’re being too picky" or "Let’s not rock the boat." And when you don’t resolve those feelings of resistance by talking about them, you push them down. More resistances appear, and you push those down too, until they build up and up, one day suddenly you’re feeling Resentment and you’re in the second R.
Resentment is when there’s so many little resistances that build up, they create a feeling of resentment. Now you’re not just annoyed, you’re angry. Now it’s not just, "I wish he wouldn’t tell that stupid story at every party we go to." Now it’s, "I hate that story. If I hear that story one more time, I’m going to scream!" See the difference? You know you’re in Resentment when you’re starting to feel angry, frustrated, a little more unloving, a little more distant from your partner. You’re not feeling this Resentment twenty-four hours a day every day, but there are more moments in the relationship when you’re feeling less closeness and intimacy with your mate. You’re also finding yourself being more critical, even if simply think those criticisms to yourself.
One of the biggest signs that you’re in Stage Two, Resentment, is that your sex life is starting to change. See, you cannot be attracted to someone at whom you feel growing anger. Anger kills passion. You’ll notice that you’re a little turned off, a little less interested in sex. If you don’t deal with the feelings of resentment building up in the relationship and resolve them, the resentment builds up and builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.
Rejection means separation; it means that there is a wall between you, and emotionally, you are not connected in the same way. You may still be living together, but you have separated your hearts from one another. So much resistance, so much tension has built up that it’s impossible for you to stay emotionally close to the other person. So you pull away. You may do this by fighting or criticizing your partner a lot, finding yourself attracted to other people, fantasizing about leaving , or just leading a very separate life from your mate. Some couples in this third stage hardly see one another, but still deny that anything’s wrong. Others are more dramatic in their rejection, threatening to leave, and escalating the emotional and verbal hurt and abuse in the relationship.
Of course in this stage of Rejection, it is very hard to have any kind of sex life, because there is too much tension between you. You may simply feel a lack of attraction, and tell yourself it’s because of the kids, or because you’re busy. But the truth is, the sexual chemistry is buried underneath piles of Resistances and Resentments.
Many relationships don’t survive this stage. However, if you don’t separate, and continue letting all those feelings of Rejection build up, you will eventually enter the final stage of the Four "R"s, Repression. Repression is the state of emotional numbness. You enter into this stage when you’re just so tired of resisting and resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all your negative emotions, numbing yourself in order to be comfortable. You tell yourself, "You know, things aren’t that bad,", or "We’re too old to experience romance, anyway," or "We have to stay together for the sake of the children. " Your life goes on, but with no passion. By repressing the tension, you’ve also successfully repressed your joy.
Repression is the most dangerous of the four R’s, , because in this stage, you can fool yourself into believing that everything is " fine." I often see couples who are obviously having problems, but deny that there’s a problem at all. "Everything’s fine, we’ve worked it all out," they insist. Of course they probably have little, if any , sex life anymore. A couple in stage four might appear to be content; they may never argue; they may behave very politely towards one another. You may even envy their relationship , until one day you hear that they separated or got divorced, and you think, "I can’t understand it, they always seemed so happy." "Seemed" is the right choice of words. They repressed all their unpleasant emotions, and ended up killing the relationship.
So be on the lookout for the Four R’s. As soon as you notice a little tension building up, communicate about your feelings with your partner, preferably using the Emotional Map. It’s a lot easier to resolve a small conflict than a big one that’s been brewing for a long time. Don’t wait! Don’t overlook issues that seem "too small." Even if your relationship is in an advanced stage of the Four R’s, it is possible to find your way back to love again. How? By acknowledging all that emotional tension, communicating about it, and healing the resentments that created the walls between you.
2. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A HUSBAND WHO REFUSES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS OR WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP?
Trying to get through to my husband is like banging my head against a steel wall. He refuses to discuss our problems, tells me they are my issues, and says if I want to read books or go to therapy, I should go ahead, but to leave him out of it. This has been going on for years. Our marriage is in major trouble, but he doesn't want to see it, and I feel like saving it is up to me. Is this something that I can do alone? Is there something that I can do to wake him up?
This is one of the saddest questions I have heard over and over again throughout my career . A husband or wife approaches me tearfully and shares a story like yours of a marriage that is in severe trouble, and a partner who absolutely refuses to discuss any problems. You may not like my answer, but here goes: You are not presently in a marriage. What do I mean by that? I mean that marriage is not a living arrangement, or how many years you have been together, or a piece of paper that says you are husband and wife. Marriage is ultimately the commitment to loving your partner and doing everything you can to make the relationship work.
Since your husband refuses to face or discuss your problems, and will not agree to any outside help in solving your conflicts, he has broken his commitment to your relationship as much as if he had an affair. He may be scared; he may have had an abusive childhood; he may have a wonderful , loving heart somewhere inside of him. The fact remains that , unless he is willing to be an active participant in your partnership, there is no partnership. And you can’t make a marriage work alone.
I believe there are five commitments every marriage needs to survive and grow. These are commitments both partners should make:
- I am committed to learning everything I can about being a better person and a better mate, and I will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.
- I am committed to being emotionally open to and with my partner by sharing my feelings.
- I am committed to being emotionally generous with my partner, not emotionally stingy, and will express my love and affection.
- I am committed to being honest with my partner and myself.
- I am committed to learning how to love my partner as much as he or she truly deserves to be loved.
Frankly, I don’t know how any relationship can be truly healthy without these commitments. Take Commitment #1, for instance, the one you and your husband are struggling with right now. If a partner isn’t committed to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work, what’s the point of being in a relationship at all? Being committed to merely living in the same house with you and calling you a wife does not qualify as being a good husband. A good husband, or wife, fights for the marriage, and will try everything, until it’s obvious that nothing is going to work.
Apparently, you’ve tried to get through to your husband countless times. Try one more, and use this analogy. Ask him to imagine that one of your children, or a beloved pet, had been hit by a car and was lying, bleeding, in the street. Would your husband say "I don’t believe in hospitals," and leave your loved one there to die? Would he stubbornly refuse to get help? I don’t think so. He’d rush the person he loved to the hospital and beg for all the help he could get. Well, guess what? Your relationship is lying, bleeding, in the street. If it doesn’t get help, it’s going to die. Ask him one more time, if he truly refuses to participate in an effort to save it. If he stubbornly holds his ground, know that it is time for you to leave before you, too, bleed to death emotionally.
3. WHY DO MY MATE AND I FIGHT ALL THE TIME? HOW CAN WE STOP?
It seems like my wife and I fight all the time. It doesn’t even matter the issues are--we’re constantly at each others throats. I know we love each other, and we want to stop, but our truces last for a day at the most, and then we’re back to bickering. What’s going on?
You said the magic phrase: "It doesn’t even matter what the issues are," and you’re right. This is one of the most important concepts to understand about conflict in relationships. The most common issues couples fight about are: sex; money; children; household duties; communication; time; jealousy; relatives, just to name a few. But haven’t you ever had a fight, and made up with your partner, only to find within a short time you’re fighting all over again? Or haven’t you ever fought about one issue one week, and the next week, that same issue didn’t even bother you? Here’s the explanation for this frustrating pattern:
You’re never fighting for the reason you think you’re fighting. You’re fighting for one of two reasons:
- You aren’t receiving the love, support, appreciation or understanding you need from your partner, and emotional separation has built up between you.
- Old repressed feelings are surfacing and magnifying the present situation into something more upsetting than it actually is.
Most conflict on the surface of a relationship comes from a much deeper place within the relationship, a place where you store "emotional tension." Emotional tension is a state of emotional un-ease or lack of balance. When you’re a child, any unresolved hurtful experiences get stored in your subconscious as emotional tension. In your adulthood, that emotional tension increases whenever you don’t feel loved, appreciated or understood, especially by your intimate partner. Imagine a big pressure cooker inside of you, and one inside your partner. Each time one or both of you gets triggered by something that happens or something the other says, it sets off that pressure cooker of anger and you get into a fight.
For instance, maybe you’ve been feeling neglected by your husband for months, and are unconsciously angry at him for ignoring you. Instead of acknowledging and communicating about the emotional tension that’s built up, you find yourself becoming really upset with him for arriving home ten minutes later than he promised. You end up in a big argument, but the problem is, you aren’t arguing about the real issue: your feelings of neglect. You’re arguing about his late arrival. Therefore, even if you come to some sense of resolution, you haven’t dealt with the true source of the conflict, and guess what--it ‘s going to find another way to express itself again in an hour, or a day, or next week. This explains why you and your partner seem to be fighting all the time about the same issues, even after you’re made some agreements. You’re not fighting about the right issues!!!
Sit down together as a couple and discuss this principle of stored up emotional tension as the cause for constant fighting. Hopefully, you will both commit to doing some intensive work on your relationship by first, becoming familiar with the emotional baggage you’ve carried into your marriage, and secondly, communicating about and healing those old unresolved emotions from the past so they don’t keep spilling over into the present and sabotaging your love. Next, you need to do some emotional housecleaning on your marriage. Take an honest look at the needs that aren’t being fulfilled by your partner; ask yourself if you’re feeling loved and appreciated enough; uncover any hidden resentments that have been lurking beneath the surface. When you and your mate work together in this way as a team, you’ll find yourselves fighting a lot less, and loving a lot more!!!
4. SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR MATE BAD THINGS FROM YOUR PAST EVEN IF YOU’RE AFRAID IT WILL HURT THE RELATIONSHIP?
I have a terrible, dark secret that I’ve kept from my husband for seven years, because I’m too ashamed to tell him. My secret is that I was sexually abused by my step-father from the age of six to fourteen. I met my husband when I was seventeen, and we got married right out of high school. We have a good marriage, but I suspect that a lot of my problems, particularly in bed, stem from the abuse. I’m terrified that my husband will hate me for lying to him all these years, or worse, will think I’m a bad, dirty person. Do I need to tell him about my past? If I don’t, will it hurt our marriage?
There is an old saying, "We are only as sick as the secrets we keep." You have been carrying this secret inside of your heart all your life, and the shame you feel is, as you suspect, hurting your ability to give and receive love in your marriage. A long term sexually abusive relationship creates an enormous emotional wound in a person, not only because of the sexual violation, but because of the fear, powerlessness, loss of control, and guilt you experienced. You may have been told by your stepfather that you were a bad girl, or that people would believe you were bad if they knew what you’d done. And his voice is still in your head, preventing you from reaching out to your husband for the unconditional love and acceptance you so desperately need.
You are not bad. You are not dirty. You are a victim of a deeply disturbed man who violated you sexually, emotionally and spiritually. He thought he won, but in fact, he lost, because you went on to marry a good person who loves you deeply. I’m proud of you--you transcended enough of your shame to feel you deserved a wonderful husband, and you found him! Believe me, that’s much more happiness than many victims of sexual abuse allow themselves to have. Now, you’re ready for your next step--to trust your husband enough to know he will love you in spite of your past.
I know it’s very frightening to think of letting your husband into that dark room inside your heart. But I’ll bet you anything that he knows it’s there, and has been trying to get in so that he can help free you from your emotional prison. In fact, you will probably be surprised to see how relieved he is when you tell him the cause of your pain. and that is has nothing to do with him. He’s probably been worrying that you don’t love him as much he loves you, or are somehow turned off by him. Once he understands what you’ve been going through, he can offer you the support and strength you need to conquer this demon. And herein lies the key to your true healing--trusting a man who doesn’t betray you, and who won’t let you down will allow that part of you to open up again. The truth will set you free.
5. HOW CAN I GET OVER MY FEAR OF CONFLICT AND BE MORE HONEST WITH MY PARTNER?
When I was young, there was a lot of yelling and drama in my house, and I vowed I'd never turn out like my parents, especially my mother who was a raging alcoholic with major mood swings. The result is that I am scared to death of conflict, and try to "keep the peace", but I end up holding back a lot of my feelings from my partner. What can I do to overcome my fear of anger?
You’re describing one of the deadliest mistakes people make in their relationships: they push down all the "not nice" feelings because they don’t want to rock the boat, and by doing so, they end up destroying their emotional connection and killing the passion. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve worked with who were on the verge of divorce, all because they had tried so hard to avoid any conflict or confrontation, and thus, never had a chance to resolve any of the issues in their relationship. The good news is that you’re aware of what you’re doing, and have the chance to make new, healthy decisions about how you handle unpleasant emotions.
I’m going to give you a fairly extensive answer to your question, because this is a serious problem that so many people are challenged by, and it’s crucial that you understand what you can to do change your situation.
First, I encourage you to do some serious work on healing your Emotional Programming. This is how I see it.: Sometime when you were a child, you made some unconscious emotional decisions such as "If I feel angry, I’ll be bad like my mother," or "It’s not safe for me to express my feelings." These decisions are still running your life years later. Consciously, you know you aren’t your mother, yet you’ve made strict rules for yourself to make sure you never behave in a way that remotely resembles her abuse. So when your partner does something that upsets you, and you feel the natural response of irritation or anger, alarm bells go off in your brain that warn "Danger!! Danger!!" and you instinctively suppress those angry feelings before they can surface.
Here’s what I’d like you to think about: the danger you’re perceiving does not have it’s source in present time. It’s the danger you felt as a child when your mother became angry, because you weren’t sure how she was going to behave. Whenever you encounter anger, yours, your mate’s, or anyone’s for that matter, the old unresolved emotions of terror are triggered. It’s as if that five year old child is in charge of your emotional life. Healing your Emotional Programming means doing some work where you give that child part of you a chance to find her voice and say all the "not nice" things she didn’t feel safe saying when she was little. You, as her adult ‘parent’ ,need to communicate with that inner child, assuring her that she is safe, that it’s O.K. for her to express herself, and that she has permission to be upset. It will also help if your mate verbally gives you permission to not always be nice, and to express your angry feelings (appropriately, of course).
The second part of the solution has to do with understanding the nature of anger so you won’t be so frightened by it. One of the basic concepts I teach is called The Emotional Map. The Emotional Map is a simple yet powerful formula to help you understand your own feelings and the feelings of others, and to assist you in moving out of unpleasant emotions, such as anger, hurt or fear and back to a state of love.
According to the Emotional Map, we are always experiencing our emotions in layers. These six levels of feelings are:
- ANGER, Blame, and Resentment
- HURT, Sadness , and Disappointment
- FEAR, Insecurity, and Emotional Wounds
- REGRET, Understanding, and Responsibility
- INTENTION, Solutions, and Wishes
- LOVE, Forgiveness, and Appreciation
Here is an example of how the Emotional Map works. Let’s say my husband does something that makes me really angry. Anger is simply the most obvious emotion I’m feeling. Underneath the anger, I am hurt. When someone hurts us enough, we feel anger as a unconscious means of protecting ourselves. So I’m not just feeling "I’m furious at you for being two hours late," I’m also feeling HURT: "It really hurt me that you were so insensitive to my feelings. "Underneath the hurt, I’m feeling something even deeper and more basic--FEAR. This is the level of emotion where all of our old emotional wounds are stored, that place where the frightened child gets triggered. So along with my anger, and hurt, I am also feeling, "I’m afraid you’ll always work so hard that we won’t have enough time together. And this reminds me of how I felt waiting for my father to come home at night when he wouldn’t show up."
Do you follow what’s happening so far? Even though I started out feeling really angry, anger was just the tip of the iceberg , so to speak. When I delve deeper into my emotions, the source of much of my anger is a lot of fear, some from the present, and some left over from the past. The fourth level of the map is called REGRET, and understanding. Once I take a look at my fears, my wounds and what’s really triggering my reaction, I can begin to see the whole picture and understand more of what is going on. Perhaps I also have regrets about how I lashed out with my anger, or how I didn’t say anything, but was cold to my husband that evening. Now I’m moving towards resolving my feelings. And the next level deeper down is INTENTION--what I want to happen, my solutions, my hopes. "I want us to work this out. I’d like you to call next time you are late."
What is the deepest and sixth level of feeling in our Emotional Map? LOVE, of course, and forgiveness. If I didn’t love my husband so much, I wouldn’t be mad in the first place. It’s because I love him that I became afraid, then hurt, and eventually, hurt enough to be angry. This is why I say :"Anger is love turned inside out." When you resolve your upset feelings and communicate using the Emotional Map to take you back to love, that is called communicating The Complete Truth.
I’ve taken the time to explain this in hopes that you are beginning to understand three important points:
- Angry emotions aren’t "bad"--they are a natural result of feeling the love being blocked, and are only dangerous when they are acted out, instead of talked out
- When you suppress your anger, you end up suppressing all of the emotions underneath it, thus cutting yourself off from the love..
- When you're unable to resolve your angry feelings in a constructive way, those emotions don’t just disappear-you store those feelings inside of you. "Outrage that isn’t expressed becomes In-rage" Can you imagine how much energy it takes to hold down all that anger? When you're suppressing anger you may find yourself feeling tired, lifeless, hopeless. You're using up your vital energy to keep the anger from showing.
I’ve given you a lot to think about. Start practicing the Communicating Complete Truth about a small issue, and see how well it works! (For more information on this technique, see How To Make Love All The Time, or the Making Love Work Program)
6. HOW CAN I ASK MY PARTNER FOR WHAT I NEED WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE I’M BEING TOO DEMANDING?
Whenever I try to express my needs to my partner, he accuses me of being "demanding." I try to be careful about how I ask for what I want, but no matter what I do, he gets defensive and won’t listen. Is there a way I can ask for the things I need without making him feel I’m trying to control him
There are two possibilities here. The first is that your partner is a very emotionally wounded individual who has a really serious problem giving love without feeling he is losing something in the process. Maybe he spent his childhood always giving and never receiving. Maybe he had a mother who leaned on him for the love, affection and support she should have gotten from her husband, and used him as a surrogate. This would result in his despising women who appear "need", and therefore, no matter what you say, or how you explain your feelings, he will always feel you are too "demanding." For this type of man, the perfect relationship is one in which the woman asks for nothing and gratefully accepts whatever she can get from him, whenever he wants to give it. In other words, he’s looking for a doormat, not a woman.
If you suspect this is the case, end this relationship now if you don’t want to lose all of your self-esteem and feel like an emotional beggar. Then, ask yourself why you were attracted to someone who made you feel your needs aren’t O.K. Who does this man represent? Your father who wasn’t there for you? Your mother who was so busy with other kids or work or an addiction that your needs weren’t important? Do some work on understanding and healing your emotional programming.
Now for the second possibility. Maybe your boyfriend is an otherwise wonderful guy, and it’s only when you directly ask him for something that he reacts defensively. In this case, you’re experiencing a common male/female dynamic based on a psychological difference between the sexes. Here’s the key: your boyfriend is interpreting your expression of your needs and desires as criticisms of his performance in the relationship.
Here’s a quick lesson in male psychology from my book Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. From their earliest upbringing, and for thousands of years , men have been trained to feel that their role is to master the outer world of action and accomplishment, rather the inner world of thought and feeling. More often than not, little boys are taught that their value is in what they do and the things they achieve. Even with very conscious parents who attempt to avoid gender bias, boys model themselves after fathers and grandfathers who were programmed more traditionally. So, based on this, little boys conclude that in order to be good, I have to do it right, and they equate their self-esteem with accomplishment.
When a woman appears to challenge a man’s ability to do anything perfectly, he may react defensively, because he interprets her feedback as if she is saying "You did it wrong. You’re not making me happy. Therefore, you are a bad boy." Often, he may not even hear the details of her request for a change in behavior, or remember her suggestions. After initially determining that she doesn’t think he is doing something perfectly, his emotional reflexes take over, and he switches into defensive mode.
Here’s how it works in your relationship. You say to your partner, "I need more verbal affection from you. I know you love me, but I’d like to hear it more often." You figure that an appropriate response would be something like ‘I’ll try’, or ‘It’s hard for me to express my feelings, but I want you to know how much I do love you.’ Instead, he becomes instantly defensive and counterattacks by calling you "demanding." What’s happening? Possibly, he interprets your request as a statement like "You are not being a good boyfriend. You aren’t making me happy. You are a failure." And if he was criticized as a child, he may also have an "emotional flashback" in that moment with you, and re-experience some of the anger and pain he felt as a little boy being told he wasn’t good enough. All that anger gets turned back on poor, unsuspecting you. Sound familiar?
If you’re sure your boyfriend isn’t the abusive person described in the first part of this answer, read him this section of the book, and ask him what he thinks about all I’ve said. Hopefully, he’ll relate to my description of what goes on inside him, and you’ll both gain insight into this frustrating dynamic. Let him know you don’t want to make him wrong, and that you want to work together with him so you can give him feedback without his feeling you are criticizing him.
As for what you can do on your own, I have several suggestions. First, avoid using language that makes him feel wrong when you are asking for what you want. For instance,
don’t say: "You never tell me I’m pretty , or notice my clothes. Why don’t you pay more attention to me? This always happens." Instead, say: "Honey, whenever you notice what I’m wearing, it makes me feel so special. I know it may seem unimportant to you, but if you compliment me when I get dressed up, it would really make me happy. I need to know you like how I look." And second, make sure you’re giving your boyfriend enough positive messages about the things you are happy with in the relationship, so he gains a sense of confidence and self-esteem. Then, when you ask for something, he may feel safer in opening up and giving it to you.
7. SHOULDN’T MY PARTNER UNDERSTAND HOW I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME WITHOUT MY HAVING TO EXPLAIN IT ALL THE TIME?
My boyfriend and I have this ongoing disagreement about our relationship. I feel that if he really loves me, he should know how to make me happy, and I shouldn’t have to explain every little thing I need to him. He insists that he can’t "read my mind," and wants me to spell it all out in detail. This seems so unromantic to me. I feel like he’s just being lazy. What do you think?
I don’t think your boyfriend is being lazy--I think he’s being honest. In fact, I hear this same complaint , mostly from men, all the time: "My wife expects me to be a mind-reader. She acts like there are these mysterious things I’m supposed to know about what she wants and needs, and then gets mad at me for not figuring them out. How am I supposed to know what she wants?" That’s a good question--how do you expect your husband to know your innermost desires? After all, he’s not a woman, so he won’t naturally understand you like other women will. And if he’s been with women before you, each one has been different and unique. You are the first "you" he’s ever loved!!!
Like many women, you’ve fallen prey to what I call one of the most common "Love Myths"--false notions about love that can actually hurt a relationship. The Love Myth I’m referring to is : "If my partner really loves me, he will know just what I need." You won’t ever have to ask him for anything; you won’t have to tell him your secret fantasies. If he is the "right one", he will automatically know your innermost thoughts and feelings. Doesn’t this sound like a fairy tale, or romantic movie? Well guess what? That’s where you and tens of millions of other women probably got the idea that your true lover won’t need you to educate him about you--he’ll just "know " you.
You form this picture of your ideal lover when you are still a young girl, and by time you meet your flesh and blood "prince charming", he has all sorts of unconscious expectations to live up to.
Here’s the problem: when you expect your lover to automatically know how to please you, you are setting him up for failure. He will feel like you are testing him (which you are!), manipulating him, and trying to control him by making him "guess" what you want, rather than coming out and telling him. When a man feels these silent expectations placed upon him, he will often respond with anger and rebelliousness. Even if he wanted to please you before, now he’s too pissed off to care! You think he’s being lazy, or uncooperative, or resistant when he asks you to spell out what it is that you want, when, in truth, he’s just being practical.
All I’m suggesting is that you try educating your husband about your needs and your preferences, from how you like to be treated on your birthday to how you like to be touched in bed. Maybe this doesn’t fit your romantic fantasy picture, but it’s a lot more realistic, and will end up bringing you much more fulfillment. Believe me, there’s a lot of unhappy and unloved women out there who would be thrilled to have their husband even ask "How can I make you happy?" They wouldn’t think of responding by saying , "Guess...." They’d give him a three page type-written list!!
So instead of believing the myth "If my husband really loves me, he will know just how to please me," adopt a new, more healthy belief: "If my husband really loves me, he will ask me just how he can please me!" Your husband already did ask, so consider yourself one very lucky wife.
8. My girlfriend keeps trying to change everything about me, from how I dress, what I read, the grammar I use when I speak, even who my friends are. Nothing I do is ever perfect enough, and I live with constant criticism. I’m afraid I’ll never live up to her expectations. How can I get her to be less critical?
You are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking me "How can I get her to be less critical?’, you should be asking yourself, "Why am I punishing myself by being in a relationship with someone who treats me like dirt?" Your girlfriend is making herself very clear--she doesn’t like you very much! She obviously sees you as someone whom she can either emotionally torture or rehabilitate, depending on the mood she’s in. You’re right...you can never live up to her expectations, because she is expecting you to be someone you aren’t. This isn’t a relationship--it’s self-flagellation on your part!
So what’s the answer to the real question: Why would you be attracted to a woman who treats you so terribly? You know what I’m going to say--it goes back to your Emotional Programming from childhood. You’re undoubtedly repeating a pattern you first experienced when you were young, one in which you had to work hard to gain the attention, praise or approval of someone who you loved very much. Maybe Dad or Mom was super critical, and nothing you did was ever good enough. Your grades should have been better, you should have excelled more at sports, you should have had a better attitude, etc. etc. You may have made an unconscious decision that "I’m not good enough, and I have to work hard to get someone to love me. "By attracting a woman who treats you like a child she’s trying to "raise" properly, you’ve put yourself right back home with your parents. It’s as if you are trying to finish that unfinished emotional business--"maybe this time, I’ll finally please someone I love."
Maybe it wasn’t you who was criticized as a child, but one of your parents by the other. Perhaps Mom tongue-lashed Dad constantly, and he was a lovable but pathetic wimp. In trying to unconsciously be loyal to Dad, you choose women like his wife, and tolerate the same abuse he did. We often act out one parent’s role with the other in a psychological attempt to "keep that parent company" in his pain. I’ve seen people who are doing this find it extremely difficult to break their family pattern, feeling almost as if leaving an unhealthy or abusive situation similar to their parent’s would be a kind of betrayal to that parent.
No matter what your reason for being involved with a woman who treats you in this demeaning fashion, one thing is clear: You need to end the relationship now! I suggest taking some time off from relationships for a while, so you can do some emotional healing, and fill yourself up from the inside out. When you’re loving yourself more, you’ll be less inclined to attract partners who don’t know how to love you.
9. WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT A PARTNER WHO IS MEAN?
Whenever my husband and I fight, he doesn’t just get angry--he gets mean. He calls me awful names, insults me, and acts like an attack dog. We always make up eventually, but after four years of marriage, I’m starting to feel beaten down. When I try to talk to him about this, he gets defensive and accuses me of being too sensitive. What should I do?
You say that your husband becomes mean whenever you fight. If that’s the only time this behavior arises, it probably means you’re dealing with a man who, believe it or not, is scared to death of anger. I’ll bet you anything that your husband felt somehow controlled, overpowered, or manipulated by one of his parents or siblings as a child, especially during fights. Maybe he had an abusive parent. Maybe his big brother was a bully. According to his emotional programming, he unconsciously decided that , as an adult, whenever he feels attacked, or perceives some kind of threat, he should go on the offensive, like an animal who barks wildly defending his territory, hoping to scare the intruder away. Funny, you called him an attack dog, didn’t you…?
Whenever you criticize your husband, or express any feelings of discontent about your marriage, he perceives you as "the enemy" and tries to hurt you to defend himself. No wonder you feel beaten down. It’s essential that he understand two things:
1. His verbally abusive behavior during fighting must stop. You may need to give him an ultimatum stating that it isn’t acceptable for him to name-call and put you down during arguments, and that ,when he feels that rage, he needs to take time-outs in order to separate his genuine upset with you from his old, stored up anger, and then resume the conversation. He might even want to go into another room and hit a pillow until he begins to get in touch with the grief and hurt under that rage, so he can release those old feelings that are trying to be released for the purpose of healing. Let him know that although you support him in cleaning out all his old anger, he can’t just dump those feelings on you.
2. He needs to get some professional help in understanding and healing his old rage. Your husband probably hates himself at those time when he lashes out at you, but doesn’t know how to do it any differently. Insist that he find a qualified professional who can educate him in anger management, and facilitate his doing some emotional work to locate the true source of the anger. It will also be good for you both , at some point, to have some sessions together where you learn healthy fighting skills.
These are not suggestions--they are absolute commitments you need from him in order for the relationship to continue. Verbal abuse is , in many ways, more insidious than physical abuse, because it’s easier to ignore and excuse. But don’t kid yourself, it’s just as deadly.
10. HOW DO I DEAL WITH A PARTNER WHO IS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE?
My husband has a bad temper, and sometimes when we argue, he pushes me or hits me. This doesn’t happen often, and he always cries afterwards and tells me he’s sorry. I know he came from a very abusive home, and was beaten by his father. I love him very much, and am trying to be understanding, but these incidents are making it hard for me to trust him. I’m also worried about the effect they will have on our young children. How can I help him and get him to stop?
Don’t help him. Help yourself and get out now!! I don’t care if he was abused as a child, or how many times he apologizes. You are married to a batterer and you are typically codependent in making excuses for him, rather than thinking about your own welfare. It is never acceptable under any circumstances for someone to use physical violence against another person. Yes, your husband has a serious problem and needs help, but so do you, because you are in major denial about what’s been going on. This isn’t a "bad temper"--it’s physical abuse. And it’s a little too late to worry about the effect on your children. Believe me, they’re already damaged enough by what’s gone on so far.
Before you talk yourself out of it, before you get advice from everyone you know, you need to physically separate from him. Either insist that he leave, or take the children and leave yourself. Let him know that if he wants the marriage to continue, he needs to seek immediate and intensive professional help. There are therapists who deal specifically with male batterers, as well as special support groups he will probably have to attend. This is not an option--it must be a prerequisite for any type of reconciliation. He must make progress emotionally and behaviorally before you live together again.
At the same time, you need to seek help for yourself. As a victim, you are just as enmeshed as he is in the pattern of violence. You have your own unresolved childhood issues that attracted you to this kind of person and must heal your own lack of self-esteem. Your children will also need some professional help with their emotions--they were battered too, just by being in that environment.
Every community has a Battered Women’s Hot Line where counselors are available to support you in making the decision to leave, and to ensure your safety. Don’t hesitate to call if you feel you can’t do this on your own. And remember--you need to break the cycle now, before it’s too late, for yourself and for your children.
