1. AFTER YOUR PARTNER HAS AN AFFAIR, SHOULD YOU JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET? HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN?
My husband had a three year affair that recently ended after I found a woman’s underwear and earring in my bed when I returned home from a trip. He has kept his promise to break off the relationship, and seems to be trying to get close to me again. But I’m having a hard time trusting him. He says I should stop punishing him for the past, and just "forgive and forget." Is he right?
Do you actually need to ask me that question? How are you supposed to forgive and forget your husband’s three years affair, carried on in your own bed, no less, as if it were a small transgression like forgetting to take out the trash? Does he actually expect to get away with not having to be accountable at all for what happened? Three years isn’t a one night stand, which is hurtful enough. Three years is a relationship. Pretty hard to just block it out of your mind.
Let me ask you something: Why should you trust your husband after what he did to you? Do you have any reason to believe he has gone through a major emotional transformation and is a different person? Do you have any evidence that he has experienced a personality change, and isn’t the same type of guy who screwed another woman behind your back for three years? Has he been in serious recovery, or found God? What has he done, other than stop sleeping with his mistress, to repair the wounds in the relationship? What from you’ve said, not much.
Here’s what I have to say to people who cheat and then accuse their partner’s of not trusting them: You’re the one who betrayed your partner. You’re the one who broke the trust. It’s not her responsibility to learn to trust you again. It’s your job to earn back her trust. This is my response to your husband, and his claim that you are punishing him by not trusting him. You’re not punishing him, you’re just being realistic.
As for this "forgive and forget" philosophy, here’s something to think about. If you are very fortunate, and your husband is willing to go through a major personal transformation profound enough to demonstrate that he isn’t the same person who cheated on you, you may be able to build a new marriage based on new values. If this happens, I believe that in time, you will forgive your husband for what he did to you. But you will never, never forget.
2. SHOULD YOU GIVE A CHEATING PARTNER ANOTHER CHANCE?
My boyfriend of nine months just confessed that he had a brief affair with an old flame a few months ago. He promised me he would never do it again, and begged me to take him back. We've been having a lot of problems lately, but I really love him. Would I be stupid to give him another chance?
Well, let’s give the guy credit for being honest with you. At least he feels remorse, knows what he did was wrong, and doesn’t want to lose you. You said it yourself--you’ve been having problems lately, so you know that the affair is just a reflection of underlying issues you can no longer ignore.
No, you wouldn’t be stupid to give your boyfriend another chance. An affair doesn’t have to signify the end of a relationship. In fact in some cases, if both partners are willing to work hard, an affair can bring problems that were lurking in the depths of the relationship up to the surface for the purpose of healing. Since your relationship is relatively new, it’s likely that you are both still settling into your commitment to one another, or at least he is! And it sounds like he may be having some difficulty letting go completely of his former lover. So if he is sincere, and you feel he’s worth it, and you can let go of what happened (not easy!) it’s possible that you could both use this crisis to stop, evaluate the relationship, and go forward differently.
His saying "I’m sorry" isn’t enough. Just because he’s not cheating on you anymore doesn’t mean the problem has disappeared--it hasn’t. It’s still there, but it’s in remission. Don’t delude yourself into believing the coast is clear now that he’s apparently being faithful again. Stand your ground, and insist on going through my Cheating Recovery Program outlined earlier. If this guy really loves you and truly doesn’t want to lose you, he’ll thank his lucky stars that you’re willing to give him another chance, and will work his butt off to get to the bottom of the situation.
3. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR? IS IT AS BAD AS A SEXUAL AFFAIR?
I’m a married man of twelve years who’s been having what you might call an emotional affair with a friend for the past several years. She is also married, and although we’ve never had sex, there is a very intense attraction between us. We talk on the phone every day, have lunch a few times a week, and feel very close. I love my wife, but we are very different people, and don’t share a lot of the same interests and attitudes. I don’t want to get divorced because it would hurt my wife, although my "friend" says she would leave her husband for me. Does this "count" as an affair, even though we haven’t done anything?
You know it counts, or you wouldn’t be asking me about it. There are many ways to be intimate with another person, and sex is only one of them. You are having a very intimate relationship with another woman while you are married, and that definitely qualifies as an emotional affair. How are you cheating on your wife if you’re not sleeping with this woman? You are sharing feelings and experiences with her that a person should only share with his intimate partner. Imagine telling your wife, "I’m madly in love with another woman. I think about her day and night. We are best friends, and I count the minutes until I can see her. " Your wife asks "Have you had sex with her?" When you respond "No", do you actually believe your wife would say, "Oh well, then, there’s no problem."?
I’ll be honest with you--it sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time, and that you and your wife have become roommates. You aren’t really in a marriage at all; you’re involved in a living arrangement. You’re being dishonest with your wife, your children, and most of all, yourself. If you told me you were having a sexual affair with someone you didn’t want to ultimately be with, I’d tell you to end the affair and work on your marriage. But it appears that you have truly created a deeply meaningful relationship with this other person, and that you are more compatible with her than with your own wife.
You are experiencing what I call "The Divided Path", the moment when you realize that the single path you and your mate traveled on for many years has split into two, each going in a different direction. You have grown apart, not because of suppressed emotional issues, but because your own personal growth has led you to two different places, two different sets of interests and values. There may still be a lot of love and caring there, but for either of you to take the other’s path would be a detour from your own destiny.
For this reason, I believe it’s time to end your marriage. Believe me, your wife feels your emotional absence, whether you talk about it or not. She can’t have been happy these past few years either, and must experience her own kind of loneliness and isolation. If she’s not what you want, then you’re not what she wants either. You are doing her a disservice by remaining in the relationship physically while your mind, heart and spirit are elsewhere. This isn’t about you leaving her for someone else. It’s about you leaving for you. And remember, freeing your partner to find someone who will truly love and accept her just the way she is, is an act of great love.
4. HOW SHOULD YOU DEAL WITH A CHEATING PARTNER WHO DENIES HAVING AN AFFAIR?
I just found out that my husband of fifteen years has been cheating on me. I've suspected this for a while, but wasn't sure until a friend confessed that she knew about it. I confronted him with the information, but he still totally denies it. Should I try to keep my family together and hope he will get over this?
What do you hope that your husband will "get over"-- His total disrespect for your feelings, his flagrant dishonesty, his moral weakness, his selfishness, his denial or his lack of morality? Wake up and face the facts! Not only is he having an affair and breaking your marriage vows, but when confronted, he doesn’t even have the courage and decency to tell you the truth! He is treating you like dirt. You know it, and he knows it.
Here’s the real question you should be asking yourself: "Why do I want to stay with a man who is behaving in this disgusting manner towards me? Why do I want to remain married to someone who obviously doesn’t care enough about me to be honest? " Remember--affairs are symptoms of relationship already in trouble. Even before the infidelity, I have no doubt that there have been some significant problems in your marriage, whether you acknowledged them or not. So ask yourself, is this marriage as it truly is , not as you wish it would be, worth saving? Or has it been over for a while, and you just haven’t admitted it to yourself.
Most woman have such deeply rooted issues about abandonment that we often instinctively try to cling on to the man in our life, regardless of how he treats us or how unhealthy our relationship might be. Our fear of loss overrides our fear of being hurt or humiliated. Thus, we stay with men we should leave, put up with behavior we shouldn’t tolerate, and feel we will be successful if we "keep the marriage together", even if that marriage is totally dysfunctional.
I think, in part, this is what’s happening to you. You speak about "keeping your family together." So I ask you, what does that really mean? That you all get to live in the same house, even though your heart is broken? That none of your friends or family will think there is a problem because there won’t be an "official separation"? That your kids will mistakenly believe everything is fine as long as Daddy doesn’t move out, even though Daddy’s out screwing someone else?? That’s not my idea of "together." What you are describing is called "denial."
If you want to be a good mother to your children, and a loving caretaker to your own inner self, you will inform your husband that he has to move out immediately--no discussion, no excuses, no negotiation. By lying and cheating, he has lost his right to live with you as his wife and live in the house as part of the family. Perhaps being kicked out will wake him up out of his stupor and help him to see the light. If this occurs, he confesses the truth, and begs for another chance, you can consider the possibility that you may be able to resurrect your relationship only under the following conditions:
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’VE BEEN CHEATED ON:
- You and your partner physically separate immediately. If you wish to stay in your home, he should be the one who must leave.
- If he wants another chance, he must immediately break off all contact with his mistress--no phone calls, no letters, nothing.
- He must immediately enter intensive therapy in order to determine why he had the affair, to understand what problems within himself and the marriage caused him to cheat.
- You must also immediately enter intensive therapy in order to determine why you ignored the warning signs of his infidelity for so long, to deal with your feelings of anger and betrayal , and to take an honest look at the relationship.
- If after some time, you both feel you are seeing your relationship through new eyes, and think there might be a chance for reconciliation, you will need to enter intensive therapy together.
- If after undergoing intensive therapy together, you both feel you have learned enough to understand how your relationship fell apart, and feel willing to try again, you will need to start from the beginning. YOU CANNOT GO BACK TO THE OLD RELATIONSHIP. IT IS DEAD. IT FAILED. YOU MUST START FROM SCRATCH, BUILDING A NEW RELATIONSHIP JUST AS ANY COUPLE DOES.
This means you continue living apart and begin to date, getting to know one another again. You have new ground rules, new goals for yourselves individually and for the relationship, and new skills with which to create healthy communication and intimacy. You take it slowly, and see how it goes.
I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is to follow these guidelines if you wish to salvage a relationship that has ended in infidelity. And I know how difficult it may sound, and how much courage you will need to stick to your resolve when your husband is crying and pleading with you to forgive him, but don’t give in. The only chance you have of experiencing a true and complete healing on this issue is to see the situation as it truly is, and to start treating yourself with the love and respect you would hope one day to receive from the man you love.
5. IS IT ACCEPTABLE FOR A CHEATING PARTNER TO STILL SEE THE PERSON SHE CHEATED WITH AFTER THE AFFAIR IS OVER?
Six months ago, I found out that my girlfriend was having an affair with one of her business associates. We broke up temporarily, but have since gotten back together and our relationship is much better. The problem I’m having is that she still does a lot of business with this guy, and sees him quite often. She claims there is nothing between them anymore, but I feel very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Am I overreacting?
I don’t believe you’re overreacting at all. I’d be pretty disturbed if my partner was still seeing someone with whom he’d had an affair. I don’t care how sincere your girlfriend is--every time she sees the guy she slept with, she’s going to have flashbacks of their relationship, and it makes it that much more difficult to let go of the past and go forward. Recovering alcoholics don’t hang out at liquor stores. They know better. For this same reason, your girlfriend shouldn’t be hanging around her ex-lover, especially so soon after the affair.
On a positive note, you both did the right thing in breaking up temporarily, and then starting over. And if you’re working on your relationship, it has a good chance of surviving. You’re already noticing that things are better, and that’s a good sign.
It’s really important to make a clean break from someone with whom you’re trying to end a relationship, and even more essential when that relationship was an illicit affair. I understand that your girlfriend works with this guy, but there has to be a way she can avoid contact with him. Talk with her about your concerns. Make sure you don’t sound like you’re accusing her of anything, or even not trusting her to be faithful. Instead, share your feelings about the situation, and ask her if she’d be more comfortable not seeing him. Perhaps you can come up with some options that work for both of you.
6. SHOULD YOU CONTINUE AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE?
For three years I've been having a wonderful, loving relationship with a caring and sensitive man. He is everything I've ever wanted, but there's one problem--he's married. He says he doesn't love his wife anymore, and but can't leave because of the children, who are four and seven years old. My friends think I'm crazy to put up with this, but I know in my heart that he feels more married to me than to her, and I'm willing to wait. What do you think?
What do I think? I think your friends are right. I think you’re kidding yourself. I think you’re setting for someone else’s leftovers. I think you’re going to wake up one day feeling used, ripped off and betrayed.
You say this man is everything you’ve ever wanted, but you are forgetting one important qualification--he isn’t available. I don’t care what he tells you or what you want to believe. The reality is, he is married to and living with someone else, and doesn’t intend to leave. Do you get it? He isn’t yours. (See the CAPATIBILITY section for why you would choose unavailable men and what "available" means. It’s no accident that you ended up with a married man.)
As for your fantasy that he is married to you "in his heart", that’s a bunch of you know what. Look around...do you see him living with you? Do you hear him introducing you to people as his beloved? Are you wearing his wedding ring on your finger? Do you recall him spending Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years with you? No, because "in his heart", he’s right where he decided to be-- with his wife and children. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you. He probably does. I’m not saying he doesn’t fantasize about leaving everything for you. I’m sure that’s something he struggles with. But the bottom line is that you are his mistress, not his wife.
Any woman having an affair with a married man with children needs to realize one thing: you are making it so easy for these guys to have their cake and eat it too--why should they mess up a good thing and leave their wives and kids? After all, this way they get to have sex with two woman (don’t believe it when he insists they’re not doing it any more--they are!) ; they get to avoid breaking their children’s hearts; they get to look like the good family man to their friends and relatives and elude the disapproval divorce would bring; they get to avoid paying alimony and child support; they get to stay in their comfortable home instead of moving into a tiny apartment; they get to control the game.
As for your illusion that he’s waiting for the kids to be older, forget it. First it will be, "I can’t leave this year--Jimmy just made Little League". Then, "Sally’s going through a hard time in school this semester, and a break up would upset her too much." Then, "Jimmy’s at that age when he wants to be with his Dad all the time...a divorce would devastate him." Then, "Sally’s just starting to date. If I leave now, she’ll hate me and hate all men, and it will scar her for life." Then, "Jimmy’s friends have been experimenting with drugs. I’m afraid if I leave his Mom, he’ll go downhill." Then, "Sally just got engaged. I can’t ruin her happiness with a terrible announcement now." Before you know it, you’ll be sixty-five years old, and your lover will be asking you to just be patient a little longer, and wait until after the next grandchild is born!
My advice: End this relationship now. Do the honorable thing for yourself, for this man’s wife and family, and yes, even for him. Do some serious work on healing the emotional wounds you are carrying that lead you to believe that you don’t deserve all of a man’s love. Get back to a state of integrity and respect with yourself. If this man leaves his wife and wants to be with you, then you can go forward together. If he doesn’t, you will be free to find someone who you don’t have to share with anyone.
