1. WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO START BEING SEXUALLY INTIMATE WITH A NEW PARTNER?
I just met someone I really like, and we've been going out for a few weeks. We seem to be getting really close really fast, and there's a very strong physical attraction between us. When is the right time for us to make love? I don't want to rush things, but I don't want to lose this person either?
Stop....slow down....you hardly know this person. You may be a victim of "lust blindness"--in love with the feeling of passion, and not necessarily the person. You might simply have the hots for him or her. Then again, this may be the soulmate you’ve always been looking for. So...how can you tell which it is? How can you be sure you’re not jumping into something that is all wrong? YOU WAIT....YOU WATCH.....AND YOU POSTPONE HAVING SEX UNTIL YOU CAN’T STAND IT ANY LONGER...AND THEN YOU POSTPONE IT AGAIN.
One of the most common and most deadly mistakes many of us make in relationships is "premature intimacy." Several things happen when you have sex too soon in a relationship. First, your judgment of your partner’s character becomes blinded for a while, since you are sexually intoxicated. It will be very difficult for you to be objective about the new relationship for months after you have sex. You’re swept away by the lust, and perhaps only later do you see the warning signs of trouble you should have paid attention to in the beginning. Second, you are mixing someone else’s energy with yours without really checking him or her out first. Sex is an intense sharing of mind, body and spirit, whether you experience it that way or not. You are merging your energies with those of another person. Do you want to spiritually and psychically merge with just anyone? I didn’t think so. Third, becoming sexually intimate with someone has become a much more serious and possibly deadly undertaking in the past few decades than it used to be in the pre-AIDS era. There is no one hundred percent risk free sex, so you’d better be sure about your partner in every way possible.
Here are my guidelines for deciding when it’s right to become sexual with someone:
- You should be intellectually and emotionally intimate before you are sexually intimate
- You should spend at least twice as much time talking and learning about one another
- as you do necking or fooling around.
- You should like the person. I have a saying:
DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME LIKE
- You should respect the person and his or her values.
- You should have gone through some difficult times together (one of you was sick, family crisis, job stress) and seen how your partner operates under stress and howhe or she treats you when you are under stress
- You should have discussed birth control, sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes and AIDS, and know as much as possible about your partners sexual history. If you haven't been tested for the AIDS virus, you should do so immediately, and insist that your partner to do the same.
- You should have agreed on what form of birth control and safe sex you are going to use.
- If you are a woman, you should ask yourself:
WOULD I WANT TO HAVE THIS MAN'S CHILDREN? and
WOULD I WANT A SON JUST LIKE THIS MAN?
These questions serve two purposes: first, they remind you that pregnancy is always a possibility, and will ensure that you are careful about birth control; and second, it will help you to be sure that you are ready to become sexually intimate with this man. Whether you actually want children or not, if you don't like this man enough to want children that carry his genes, characteristics and personality, then what are you doing sleeping with this guy?!!
If you are a man, you should ask yourself:
WOULD I WANT THIS WOMAN TO BE THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN?......and.....WOULD I WANT A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE THIS WOMAN? Am I really and willing to support a child if this woman became pregnant?
Now you may be thinking that I’ve taken all the fun out of sex. My answer is:
What's fun about getting your heart broken because it turns out the person you slept with is seeing someone else? What's fun about lying in bed at night next to someone you just made love with and feeling alone? What's fun about having been sexually vulnerable with someone only to find out that they lost interest after they got you in bed? What's fun about an unwanted pregnancy? What's fun about finding out your partner gave you herpes or HIV?
Making love can be one of the most beautiful and healing experiences in the world when you experience it with the right person at the right time, but I've seen it cause tremendous pain, humiliation and heartache for people who experience it with the wrong person at the wrong time. Having sex with someone out of the fear of losing him or her is always a mistake. If this person is right for you, he or she will understand and honor your wishes and values.
2. WHAT SHOULD A COUPLE DO WHEN ONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX MUCH MORE OFTEN THAN THE OTHER??
My husband is twenty four and I'm twenty one, and our problem is that we have very different sex drives. He likes to have sex once or twice a day, sometimes more, and I would be happy with once or twice a week. Is something wrong with me? Should I go along with it even though I don't feel like it?
Did you say once or twice a day? Ouch....I’m exhausted just thinking about it. What you’re describing is more than just a husband who can’t keep his hands off you--it’s sexual addiction. Sexual addiction takes many forms, but one occurs in people who become addicted to sex as their primary means of releasing tension, expressing themselves, etc. Usually, it occurs more in men than women, due to the differences in our physiology.
Here’s how it works: Let’s say your husband feels some strong emotions building up inside him. Maybe he’s worried about a project at work. Maybe he just had an upsetting conversation with a friend, and he’s hurt by what occurred. Maybe the feelings are positive, and he’s experiencing tremendous love for you. Many men aren’t brought up to feel that it is okay to express vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, confusion, neediness, or even love. So either your partner won’t feel safe expressing these emotions verbally, or he won’t even know how to. And suddenly, he’s in the mood for sex. He uses his sexual energy as a "safe" outlet for his repressed emotional energy.
Now I know this might not make much sense to you as a woman, since most, (though not all) women function in the opposite way. We have a difficult time feeling sexual when we aren’t feeling emotionally safe. But it’s important to understand that men use sex almost like a language to communicate their unspoken emotions. At times, it’s the only acceptable way some men allow themselves to feel anything at all. In your husband’s case, he’s quite young, and is probably feeling the pressures of being newly married, trying to become successful and just growing up in general. It may be that reaching out for sex as often as he does is his way of reaching out to you for comfort and reassurance.
As interesting as this may sound to you, you still have a problem...what to do about your horny hubby. First of all, never, never "go along" with having sex when you don’t want to. You will end up feeling tremendous resentment, and eventually, you’ll turn off to having sex completely. Besides, no matter how many times you have sex with him, I suspect that he’s still not getting what he needs, which is why he has to keep going it. It’s not the sexual satisfaction he’s looking for--it’s the love and acceptance, and the release of his emotional tension, which can only come from talking about his emotions.
Here’s what I suggest: Have your husband read this section of the book, and ask for his opinion. Don’t make him wrong by saying "See, I knew you were a sex addict!" Do say: "I want to make our relationship even better. What do you think of everything she says?" Talk about how you can make it more safe for him to release his emotional tension with words, and not just through sexual contact. Let him know you understand all the pressures he is under, and rather than judging him for his worries or concerns, you love him because he is so sensitive and responsible. See if he will agree to check in with himself before he approaches you sexually, and notice whether he is feeling any anxiety. If he becomes aware of some tension, perhaps he can try talking about it before he decides he wants sex. I believe if you are both willing to work on this, the intimacy in your relationship will increase, and when you do make love, it will be much more emotionally passionate.
3. HOW CAN A COUPLE WITH CHILDREN MAINTAIN A SPONTANEOUS, EXCITING SEX LIFE?
I think my partner and I have a great marriage, but with two small children, spontaneous sex seems to be a thing of the past. Do you have any ideas that can help us have the kind of exciting sex life we used to before the kids were born?
If I answered , "Yes, your sex life can be just as spontaneous and wild as it was when you lived alone in your house with no children crying, fighting, breaking things, getting sick, constantly asking questions, pulling on you for attention , tiring you out during the day, and wandering into your room at night ," you’d think I was full of it....and you’d be right! As any parent knows, children change everything in your life, including your sexual relationship. And although it certainly isn’t easy, it is important that you maintain a healthy and passionate sex life.
The key is "planning for spontaneity." You already know that with children in the house, you’ve lost the freedom you used to have to seize the moment and have passionate sex whenever you wanted to. If you wait for those moments to come, you may have to wait forever...well, at least for many years. Instead, you can plan time during which spontaneous passion can occur.
For instance, arrange to leave your children with a friend or relative for a few hours on a weekend afternoon. You and your partner know ahead of time that this is your afternoon to be alone together. That doesn’t necessarily mean you will have sex--it means you want to share some intimate moments, focusing only on each other, and not the children. You might end up taking a walk, cuddling on the couch in front of an old movie, giving each other a massage, or just holding each other and enjoying the quiet. In that special time, many things will spontaneously happen, and one of them might be sex.
I know some couples who hire a baby-sitter to come over and watch the kids, or take them out to a park, so that the parents can enjoy some private time in their own home without worrying about what the kids are doing. Others trade off with friends who also have children. You will have to be creative, but the idea is to not only plan but schedule time into your week or month, in the same way you’d schedule an appointment with the dentist. Only this appointment is with your lover (and will probably be much more pleasurable!)
Don’t forget that what makes this work is that you are not planning to have sex; you are planning to spend private time together. Couples often make the mistake of planning a few hours alone and deciding ahead of time that they will have sex. This not only puts a lot of pressure on you to instantly be in the mood, but doesn’t give you the opportunity to discover your desire for one another in the moment. When you plan to share intimate time, with no preconceived notions of what will happen, you create the space for your natural attraction to rise up (no pun intended) and for the passion to grow out of your love, just as it would when you spent time together pre-kids.
One word of caution, especially to overprotective mothers: this plan requires some letting go on your part, especially of your concern that your children cannot possibly be all right unless you are there with them twenty-four hours a day. Choose your caregivers carefully, and then relax--the kids will be fine. More importantly, you will learn that they can survive without you (sad but true, Moms!) and in the process, you will have a chance to fall in love with your husband all over again.
4. HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER TO INITIATE SEX MORE, INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR ME TO ALWAYS BE THE ONE WHO WANTS IT?
In my relationship with my wife, I'm always the one who initiates sex. If I don't make an overture, we won't make love. I've asked her to be more sexually aggressive, but nothing changes. I feel like she'd be happy if we never had sex. I'm tired of always making the moves. How can I get her to be the initiator?
You already know that you can’t "get " your wife to be the initiator. The question is , why doesn’t she initiate sexual activity with you? This may sound silly, but have you tried asking her, "Honey, why don’t you initiate sex more often?" Perhaps she won’t want to talk about it, but there’s a chance that she will share some information that will help you understand what’s going on inside her.
In case she doesn’t wish to volunteer that information, let me explain some of the reasons why seem disinterested in or don’t initiate sex:
1. She was taught that ‘good girls aren’t supposed to show that they enjoy sex."
In our sexually repressed society, women are frequently brought up to believe that girls who like sex are loose, sleazy and not the kind that men want to marry. We often unconsciously or consciously learn to suppress our sensuality and sexuality, fearing what will happen to us if we let it out. Your wife may have received strong messages to this effect from her parents or her church, and therefore, finds it difficult to initiate sex because that makes it look like she likes sex, and consequently, is bad or dirty.
You didn’t mention whether or not your wife enjoys sex when you initiate it. If she does, I’d say the above reason is probably the cause of her lack of sexual aggression. Talk to her about the sexual messages she received as a child. Explain how pressured you feel always being the one who is the aggressor; after all, it’s an emotional risk to approach someone you love and let them know you want to be intimate, since you are setting yourself up for possible rejection. Tell her how loved and wanted you feel when she shows you she wants you, and reassure her that this makes you respect her even more.
2. She likes sex, but may not be turned on by you and enjoy the way you make love to her.
I can’t tell you how many times a husband will complain to me that his wife doesn’t like sex, but when I speak to her in private, she confesses that it’s not sex she doesn’t like, but sex with him! She just doesn’t like the way he makes love to her. I know this might be very to consider, but if you’re a man whose wife is avoiding sex, or won’t initiate sex, find the courage to ask her: "Would you enjoy sex more if I made love to your differently?" If her answer is "Yes!", put your ego aside, and be open to hearing her sexual likes and dislikes, the needs you may not be fulfilling, and her fantasy about how she would like you to make love to her. This may be difficult to discuss without professional help, so find a qualified sex therapist or counselor if you need help in communicating more honestly and openly about sex.
3. She may not like sex due to some emotional trauma.
If you discuss these issues with your wife, and she claims she just doesn’t care about sex, don’t accept this at face value. Asexuality is more complex than it appears. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a person simply "not liking sex." A disinterest in sex usually covers up an aversion to sex. This can stem from fear of intimacy, fear of being controlled, suppressed anger (hers at you), but if the sexual disinterest has been a lifelong problem, it can usually be traced to serious emotional trauma such as sexual molestation, rape, incest, or other violent forms of abuse. Your wife may not even be aware of the connection between her emotional wounds and her aversion to sex. In fact, she may not even remember the events that could have programmed her to avoid sexual contact. If you suspect that she is a victim of this kind of trauma, do everything in your power to get her some professional help, not just for the sake of your marriage, but for the sake of her own mental peace.
5. IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A COUPLE TO REDISCOVER THEIR SEXUAL DESIRE FOR ONE ANOTHER AFTER IT HAS DISAPPEARED?
My husband and I need help! After eighteen years, and have four children, the passion between us has disappeared. We rarely have sex, and our relationship is sort of comfortable, but boring. Is this just the way marriage is supposed to be, or is there a way we can somehow rekindle our desire for each other?
YES, it’s possible to rekindle the passion. NO, this isn’t just the way marriage is supposed to be. Two people who love each other and want a relationship to work can still end up feeling that the sexual attraction has disappeared.
One of the most frightening feelings in the world is waking up next to your partner in the morning, and, as you watch him sleep, realizing that you aren't attracted to him any more. Remember: Often the chemistry isn't gone--it's just buried underneath piles of unexpressed feelings and bad habits. With hard work and emotional re-training, it's possible not only to rediscover the passion, but to experience more love and intimacy than you did before.
Sex is really just a mirror for us--a mirror that reflects the state of our mind, our heart and our soul. Ultimately, sexual chemistry is really just the resonance of your being and your partners on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels. The more you resonate similarly on these levels, the more sexual attraction you will feel. There are times, therefore, when the chemistry disappears because you and your partner have grown in separate directions and become highly incompatible. If you and your partner begin to resonate on very different vibrational levels, you will not feel attracted to one another any more.
This is an important point to understand--it's not that you stop feeling attracted to your partner and therefore, the relationship stops working. It's that you stopped feeling attracted to your partner because the relationship stopped working. When you and your partner stop resonating physically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually, you will stop resonating sexually.
If you and your mate are committed to doing everything it takes to make your relationship work, and still feel a lot of compatibility in other non-sexual areas of your marriage, don’t give up. It’s never too late for a new beginning.
6. HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER TO GIVE ME MORE PHYSICAL AFFECTION WHEN WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX?
The only time my husband touches me is when he wants sex. I’m a very affectionate person, and feel frustrated with him. How can I explain to him that I need more physical affection in general, hugging, hand-holding, cuddling, and not just sex?
To your husband, and to all men of the world, listen for a few moments to what your women have been trying to tell you: We love you, and want to connect with you physically as much as possible, but please don’t wait to touch us until you want to have sex! When you do, we will not be ready to receive you with the passion and acceptance you deserve. A woman’s heart needs to be full before her body can overflow with desire for you. Each time you take our hand, stroke our hair, reach out for a hug, or plant a light kiss on our lips for no reason at all, it is as if you are saying "I love you. " We literally feel our hearts fill with joy and contentment. That is just the way we are designed. We understand that it is different for you, and need you to understand that it is different for us.
Think of it as building a fire. You light the kindling, and slowly, at the right moment, place each new log onto the flames, allowing the embers to become hot and glowing, until eventually, the fire is blazing. This is how it is for our bodies. Each caress, each embrace kindles the fire of desire within our bodies, and our passion slowly builds until we burn with longing for you. You wouldn’t expect a fire to be burning strongly after just striking a match and placing a fresh log upon it. In this same way, know that you cannot expect us to be "ready" on Saturday night if you have not even touched us or loved us all week long.
This is what transforms mere sex into true lovemaking. Making love is not just about sex--it is about making those real moments of love with your beloved. If you limit your lovemaking to your sexual time together, you are ripping yourself off. It will help to stop thinking that lovemaking begins in the bedroom. The bedroom may be a comfortable place to have sex, but if you wait until you get there to begin making love, you’ll be too late, and we, as your women, will probably have a difficult time catching up with you.
This isn’t just about what creates more passion in women, by the way. You too, men, can learn to build your own fire of love, attraction and desire by allowing yourself more moments of physical affection with your partner outside of a purely sexual context. Don’t fall into the trap of what I call the "All or Nothing Syndrome". This is the belief that tells a man he can’t get turned on unless he goes ‘all the way’, so he avoids doing anything (kissing his wife, cuddling in the morning) that might arouse him, since he may not have time to "do anything"--meaning, of course, have intercourse. Many men unconsciously tell themselves "Look, we don’t have time to really get into this, so why even hold her and kiss her!"
Men, don’t be in such a hurry to get rid of any little feeling of love or sexual energy by ejaculating as soon as possible! Allow that energy to build up in your body and learn to pull it up into your heart. You’ll find your love for your partner expanding, your desire deepening, and when you do finally make love, you’ll experience new levels of joy and ecstasy you hadn’t even imagined were possible.
7. HOW CAN I OVERCOME SOME CHILDHOOD SEXUAL TRAUMA AND HAVE A NORMAL SEX LIFE?
I was sexually molested as a young child, and I'm having a hard time opening up physically with my husband of six months. I love him dearly, but I often freeze up in bed. He's being very patient, but I know how frustrated he is. Could my childhood trauma be affecting me? How can I increase my sex drive?
Of course your childhood trauma is affecting you. For you, as with most victims of childhood sexual abuse, the experience of sex is associated with powerlessness, betrayal, fear, loss of control, anger, confusion, shame and remorse. Remember, most of our emotional programming occurs when we are quite young, and in your case, your unconscious mind was bombarded with negative images relating to sexual activity. So naturally, when you get into bed with your husband, your psyche gets flooded with emotional flashbacks. All those unexpressed emotions and reactions from the past overwhelm you, and you "freeze up", a perfect choice of words, since a part of you is frozen in time.
I know how awful you feel loving your husband and being unable to open up to him. Please understand that your lack of sexual drive has absolutely nothing to do with how hard you try to feel it, or how much you care about your husband, or how much he tries to make you feel safe. Emotionally, you’re a prisoner of the past. You put up walls to protect you from the pain of what you experienced, walls that keep you feeling numb. You had no choice. Now, it’s time to heal the pain you’ve kept locked inside those walls, and melt the ice around your heart.
Tell your husband you’re ready to face the demons you’ve run from all these years, that his love has made you feel strong enough and safe enough to go to battle and conquer the ghosts from the past. Then, find a qualified therapist who specializes in recovery from childhood sexual abuse. One step at a time, you will reclaim the pieces of the power you lost, and with each piece you will discover new strength and new feeling. Before you know it, you will be free to share your love for your husband completely, and to receive his love completely.
8. IS IT OK FOR MY HUSBAND TO LOOK AT PORNO MAGAZINES?
My husband and I have an ongoing battle about his habit of constantly reading porno magazines. I feel like it’s wrong, and that he shouldn’t need them now that we’re married. He says all men do it, that it’s "no big deal", and I’m overreacting. It’s starting to ruin our sex life, because I feel so angry and turned off to him. Should I just try to accept it, or should I take a stand?
I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine lying in bed next to my husband while he gazed lustfully at pictures of naked women, and telling myself, "You should just accept this. It’s no big deal. " In fact, when most women are honest with themselves, they admit that when their husband reads porno magazines, or goes to strip clubs or calls 900 sex numbers, they feel cheated on, and I wholeheartedly agree. Regularly indulging in sexual fantasy about other people, whether in one’s mind, through reading magazines or watching films, is a form of infidelity. You have made a commitment to be sexually monogamous with your partner, and you break it by deliberately focusing your sexual attention on someone else.
Intimacy is the shared experience of closeness and connection between two people. Sexual pornography destroys intimacy because, by definition, it introduces a third element into your relationship--the thought or picture or video of another person or sexual situation. Although some couples claim they both enjoy sharing pornography together, I strongly doubt that it creates more intimacy in the long run. What it does do is create more eroticism, which many couples mistake for intimacy.
The reason your husband feels justified in claiming that his porno mag habit is harmless is that , in my opinion, our society has an enormous, sexist double standard when it comes to this issue: it overlooks, minimizes and even supports milder forms of pornography such as the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or commercials that sell beer by using bikini clad women, while claiming at the same time to disapprove of so called hard core pornography. Men like your husband are victims/participants in this double standard, and unfortunately, it is we as their wives and girlfriends who suffer because of it, as you well know.
It's not that your husband or men who read porno magazines are "bad." But their behavior will be disruptive to the intimacy and safety of the relationship.
- You will feel "cheated on" by your partner because he needs something other than you in order to become aroused.
- You will feel insecure about your body, your sexuality and your ability to satisfy your partner.
- You will feel emotionally distant and separate from your partner during sex, worrying that he is not completely "there" with you.
- You will feel angry and resentful towards your partner for not respecting your feelings..
- You will eventually feel turned off to sex, since for you, it is associated with humiliation, control and a feeling of inadequacy.
In spite of what your husband says, I don’t consider his habit "harmless" if it’s creating these reactions in you. He may not mean it to be harmful. I’m sure he loves you very much, and truly doesn’t want to hurt you. But the reality is, he is hurting you. Don’t let yourself get talked out of your feelings. Trust your instincts. It’s not a question of what is normal and what is not. It’s a question of what is healthy or unhealthy for your relationship, and you already know that in this case, your relationship is suffering.
See if your husband will read this section of the book. Remember--don’t make him wrong for what he is doing. Simply share how his behavior makes you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you sat around admiring the financial assets, luxury homes and lavish lifestyles of wealthy men in a magazine about really successful people. I don’t think he’d enjoy coming home from a hard day at the office where he is working hard to try and make a good living, only to find you drooling over some man who had everything he didn’t. I don’t think he’d appreciate comments like "Boy, this guy is soooo impressive. Look at how successful he is. He must really be smart. I just love a man who is good with money." (Kind of the equivalent of ‘look at those breasts’)
If nothing gets through to him, then it’s time for some professional help. Your marriage is already going through the Four "R’s" It’s time for some emotional first-aid.
9. HOW CAN I GET MY WIFE TO GIVE ME MORE ORAL SEX?
My wife enjoys receiving oral sex, but almost never offers to reciprocate . I’ve told her I really would like have her make love to me in this way, but she says "she’s not into it." What does that mean? How can I get her to try it more often?
You and millions of other men in the world would like the answer to this question. Let me try to explain what’s going on here. First of all, when your wife says she’s "not into it" , she could mean a variety of things, none of which she’s anxious to actually verbalize, which is why she’s being vague. But believe me, although she may sound vague, what she’s feeling inside isn’t vague. I know, because when I wrote my book Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, I interviewed hundreds of women about their feelings regarding oral sex, and boy, did they talk!
Here’s some of what women who don’t enjoy it feel about oral sex that they don’t tell the men in their lives.
1. They think it is disgusting.
One of the biggest mistakes women make when imagining giving oral sex to a man is thinking, "Ugh! Giving him oral sex means I have to stick this guy’s dick in my mouth, and that’s the same place he pees from! Gross! " Sorry--that’s what goes on in a woman’s mind.
2. They think it’s dirty.
A continuation of the above theme: "Ugh! I don’t want to put that thing in my mouth. It’s probably all dirty, sweaty and smelly."
3. They are afraid they will gag.
"What if he sticks it in so far that I gag and throw up all over him?"
4. They are afraid you will ejaculate in their mouth.
"What if he comes in my mouth? I’ll choke on it, or throw up! Yuk--I’ll bet it tastes horrible. Oh no, I can’t swallow that. But I can’t spit it all over him either. Forget it--I don’t want to think about it any more."
5. They are afraid you will think they are a bad type of girl .
"Only whores do that. That’s the kind of thing guys pay for, isn’t it? Somehow it’s sleazy."
I’m not saying these concerns all make sense, or are fair, or logical, or that there aren’t solutions for each one of them. All I’m telling you, guys, is that this is what a woman means when she says "I’m not into it."
However, we know that men are into it, and ladies, you need to understand why they love receiving oral sex so much. A man’s penis is not only the most sensitive part of his body, but the most vulnerable. It represents his maleness, his sense of power, his identity. Men don’t love oral sex just because it feels so good--they love it because it makes them feel so accepted, so received. It isthe only sexual act during which he can be totally passive, and you become the aggressor. You give, and he receives, experiencing a more feminine, receptive mode.
When I teach women about how to give oral sex to their partners (See Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, Chapter Five), I remind them that the key is to imagine their partner is only about six inches tall, the size of the average penis. Instead of thinking "I’m loving his dick!", imagine loving a miniature version of your mate, as if all he was could be contained within the size and shape of a penis. Suddenly, you’re not giving him a blow job--you’re loving and adoring an expression of your sweetheart.
Talk with your wife about all of this information. Try not to be offended at anything she says, and make suggestions that will help remedy her concerns. For instance, if she’s concerned about hygiene, suggest she try a little oral sex right after you’ve taken a shower. Share your experience of loving her orally, and how much special intimacy it creates for you. Perhaps she’d be willing to experiment with loving you orally a minute at a time, practicing the technique I suggested. I have a feeling that the more open and frank (ha!) you are with her, the more open she’ll be to re-examining her feelings about oral sex.
10. WHAT CAN I DO TO REALLY PLEASE MY HUSBAND IN BED?
Simple: Ask him (not me!) : "Honey, what can I do to really please you in bed?" I have a feeling he will be glad you asked, and won’t hesitate a bit in answering!
11. WHY IS IT THAT MEN DON'T KNOW HOW TO TOUCH WOMEN THE RIGHT WAY AND IN THE RIGHT PLACES?
Is something wrong with men, or is it just me? I’ve never been married, but I’ve had several serious relationships, and every man I’ve been with hasn’t had a clue about how to please me sexually. They don’t seem to know their way around my private parts at all, and end up touching me the wrong way in the wrong places. Do I have to draw these guys a map?
The answer is: YES, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO DRAW THESE GUYS A MAP! Do you know why that is? Because they don’t have one, so they don’t know what it feels like, or how it works, and unless some other bold women before you has educated them they have no way of figuring it out for themselves.
Ladies, I know we’ve all had that awfully frustrating, teeth gnashing, experience of lying there while our beloved diligently and passionately touches our vagina in the wrong place for a lonnnnng, lonnnnng, ever so long time. We squirm hopefully to the left, to the right, forwards, backwards, hoping that simply by the process of elimination, his untrained fingers will land on our anxiously waiting clitoris. But nooo, somehow, in spite of all of our yogic contortions, he stubbornly misses just where he should be touching, and annoyingly grinds into some unmanned spot on our female geography (now totally numb), all the time wondering why we aren’t writhing yet in ecstasy.
Well, here’s the deal. Think about a penis for a moment. It’s big. It sticks out. It has a huge surface area. And you can touch just about anywhere on it and it will feel fantastic to the owner. Now your man knows that. In fact, he’s probably touched himself many times, usually without focusing on any particular spot. Pleasuring himself doesn’t require much skill. He just grabs the whole thing and he’s a happy camper. In other words, unless someone informs him otherwise, he sees your vagina as a differently shaped penis; thus, his lack of manual exactitude.
It is your job to inform your man that God did not create all things equal, and that, unlike the generous size of your sweethearts very sensitive penis, your clitoris is perhaps only one-quarter of an inch large, and, in fact, may be hidden from view entirely. Not only that, it is a very temperamental little piece of flesh, and cannot be handled as casually as one would fondle a penis. In fact, there are a whole series of other places that probably need to be touched properly before your clitoris even wants to be touched.
This may seem like a lot for your man to learn and memorize, but believe me, with proper education (and, for the mechanically challenged male, an actual demonstration,) you’ll soon find that the time you invested in this remedial tour of your private parts was well spent. Enjoy.
